Loop
by Fledgling
Summary: “I had failed what I’d been sent here for. And Fate was going to keep sending me back until I got it right.” [Kagome's POV. Strange fatetime piece. Yes, it's another oneshot.]


Word count: 1, 711_  
_

_Loop_

I'm reaching for his hand.

"Inuyasha! Please!" I'm crying, the liquid leaving burning trails down my skin. My eyes are seeing red, everything is red, and as the tears blur my vision and my voice becomes hoarse, I no longer see the difference between nightmare and reality.

I remember the day it smashed, that beautiful jewel, so perfect and pure as it careened into rivers, forests, villages, and people. I remember the feel of Inuyasha's hot breath against my cheek as he yelled at me for my stupidity, and my heart hammering violently against my ribs. "It's my fault," I sob, the cool dirt sticky on my cheeks. "It's my fault."

"Inuyasha!" I scream, the wind slapping my tears and making my skin feel like ice. Could it be that I'm finally meeting my fate? Am I being punished for what I've done? I keep seeing Kikyou on the edges of my flooded eyes, and I wonder if all of this, everything, is her doing.

The ache tugging at my chest is fierce, burning spikes against my already torn insides. It is the end. I know it is. I'm not feeling remorse, I'm not feeling guilt, I'm not even feeling fear, but just the pain, the agony, digging a whole in my body. This can't be happening. No, not to me, not to Kagome, the girl who defied danger and physics, and changed the world by going into the past. It couldn't be. Not to the silly schoolgirl that fell asleep during math class and resisted the charms of a nice guy and kissed an uncontrollable demon.

I can feel the earth under my desperate palms, and it's icy cold, instead of warm and comforting like it should be. Something hard, probably a pebble, cuts my knee, and though I feel something funny rolling down my skin, it isn't until the next day that I find out it was blood. It feels like a decade later when I am finally at Inuyasha's side, sobbing into his crimson and white hair and desperately praying that this isn't happening.

---

I wander dolefully through the village, numb. At any moment, I expect my hanyou to come around the bend and yell at me, demanding to know why I'm not making myself useful and looking for the jewel shards. The sky is a brilliant sapphire-green, not a single cloud marring its perfection. I am silent, and I say nothing, but I can feel the fear and panic welling up inside me, and I know that soon I will burst.

My mother is probably waiting for me at home, and my brother Souta is probably getting worried and wondering why I'm not coming back. Houjo is probably visiting my house and dropping off more of his "healthy" gifts, while my grandfather is forced to come up with more stupid diseases to excuse my absence. I realize that I'm making everyone worried, but for some reason, the thought refuses to faze me. All I can think about is my hanyou. What will I tell them when they ask where Inuyasha is?

A gust of stray wind lifts my black tresses, and I freeze my pacing to stare at the swaying trees for a brief moment. I can hear splashing noises and children's' laughter coming from somewhere beyond the houses, and a hint of guilt nags at my heart as I think about how useless I'm being, how unreliable. Just as Inuyasha would have hated me like this, the old me would have hated it too. Kagome could never sit back and watch others, and do nothing! No, Kagome had to help, because there was always hope. She refused to give up.

So this is how Kikyou must have felt, I thought dimly, feeling exhausted for some unknown reason and collapsing against the trunk of a great tree. Some time ago I might have spoken out loud, I thought, but not so now. Kagome the chatty has become Kagome the silent. In an effort to make me smile, Miroku suggested that I refrain from surpassing Kikyou as most solemn woman.

Once, Sango had inquired kindly whether or not I was planning on going home. I didn't answer, and she didn't press the point. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get back through the well or not. I hadn't even attempted it yet. Then there was always the possibility that I _wouldn't_ be able to go home. I'd tried several times, climbing in at night when I couldn't sleep, but each time, something held me back. A memory, a fear, an irrational concern—there was always some small thing that refused to let me go. And I'd always find myself crying. I was terrified that were I to truly return home, then I wouldn't be allowed back. That if I was to stay in my own world, I'd forget about Inuyasha, and Sango, and Miroku and Shippou and all my friends. I was so afraid that I'd wake up, as if everything was just a long dream turned nightmare, and find out none of this had ever happened.

I don't want to forget.

---

I stare at the cold, dry well before me, feeling worn and frazzled and thoroughly annoyed with myself but still unable to stay away. I didn't even bother to try and sleep this time. I didn't want to go through the torture of trying to.

I shuddered, goose bumps rising on my arms and ice slipping down my spine. An eerie sense of déjà vu fills me as I look down at the well, and I shake the indescribable emotion off, a frown creasing my face. I step forward, my hand resting gently on the wood.

What am I doing here? I think, for the first time (in a long time) feeling afraid of the dark woods and rustling trees. A coarse brown cloak is draped over my shoulders, but it provides little comfort, and I shiver again. What am I trying to achieve? Looking down the depth of the bone-eater's well, I swallow my dry throat, a tumultuous typhoon of emotions in my body.

Kagome, have you thought at all about going home?

Kaede's voice rose in my mind, and it's like I can draw out all the lines on her face with my finger into the dirt, the image is so clear. Her words struck my heart with terrifying clarity, and I found that I couldn't answer, even if I wanted to. Everybody seemed to be watching me with cautious eyes, wondering what I was going to do next, _expecting _me to do something. Couldn't they see that I didn't want to? Couldn't they tell that I wasn't planning on doing anything? Their questions were like invisible sticks, silently poking my sides. But I couldn't decide. I couldn't answer. I simply let them down, leaving the questions to continue prodding me. At times, half-heartedly, I would wish for someone to just make the whole stupid decision for me. I wanted someone to just say, "Kagome, go home," and get it over with. That's what Inuyasha would have done.

I looked down at the well again, feeling cold and empty and wishing I knew how to fill the void inside me. My finger scratches at the dry wood, and I swallow the lump in my throat, wanting to do something, but not knowing how. A whisper of icy wind flicks my hair across my face, and as my finger brushes it away, I realize I'm crying.

I dropped one leg into the well. My heart is pounding violently, and I suddenly realize how worried everyone will be if I don't tell them I'm planning on going home. But then again, what if it doesn't work? I won't be able to stand seeing the looks of soft pity on their faces when I return to the village, unable to go back to my time.

I swing my other leg inside. There's a sudden leap in my heart as I hear Inuyasha's voice in my head, telling me to 'hurry back and don't dawdle'.

Stop it, Kagome. Just jump down.

I take a deep, shuddering breath. "What if…?"

Go, Kagome, just go!

"I—I can't, I can't!" My entire body is shaking uncontrollably, cold sweat dripping down my back. My hair feels wet, and so does my face. The sky is black and bruised-looking, and a light, sharp rain has started to pierce my shoulders. If there was ever a perfect time to go down the well, this would be it. I edge forwards slightly, poised to leap. Taking another breath, biting my lip to keep the warm tears from streaming down my face, I turn my head to look one last time at Sengoku Jidai.

And then I let go.

---

I knew, as soon as I opened my eyes, slumped and dishevelled at the bottom of the well, that I hadn't gone home. This was Sengoku Jidai, all right—I could tell by the smell of the air, the singing rustle of the trees, and wild strength of the wind even as I sat on hard bones at the bottom of deep well. Very suddenly I sneezed, and as I touched my still soaking body, I realized the rain had stopped. In fact… 

The sun was shining brightly, a powerful heat warming my damp clothes. I squinted up at the painfully dazzling blue sky, drawing my breath in with a sharp hiss. Something was dastardly wrong with this scenario…something wasn't normal. A cold lump of dread settled in my stomach.

I hoisted myself out of the Bone-eater's well, my heart longing to burst with excitement and my teeth chattering. Looking around quickly, eyes wide and terrified, my stomach did a leap. No, this wasn't possible—it couldn't be. This wasn't happening—but no, it was. A hot, burning liquid slipped down my cheek and I fell to my knees with a sob, entire body aching.

--for there was Inuyasha, his beautiful white hair blowing softly in the wind as he slept against the great tree, an arrow thrust through his chest.

I had failed what I'd been sent here for. And Fate was going to keep sending me back until I got it right.

---

A/N: Adore it? Hate it? I'd love to know. Crit please. 


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